how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
