did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
