Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
