I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
