Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
