Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
