I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
