I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
