i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
