Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
