No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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