so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
