my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
