Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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