im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
