Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
