She is in my trunk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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