remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
