it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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