i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
