i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
