he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
