Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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