you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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