Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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