I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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