These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
