She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize