And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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