drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
