his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just found a bag of teeth...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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