Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
