I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
