Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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