while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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