I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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