tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sext me about skeletons
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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