If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
