It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
