I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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