grandma shit on top of the toilet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
