She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
