I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
