I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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