Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
