Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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