I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
