just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
