Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
