You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
