So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
